27. How to Manage the Guilt of Disappointing Others
What's harder than running a hundred miles? Spending hours convinced you're letting everyone down. In this episode, I'm diving deep into one of the most destructive mental patterns in ultra running: the overwhelming guilt of disappointing your crew, pacers, and volunteers when your race isn't going as planned.
As a veteran of over 150 hundred-mile races and a coach who helps runners break through mental roadblocks, I've seen this pattern destroy countless races. I'm sharing why this guilt trap is so insidious, how it makes dropping out feel like the "right" thing to do, and the crucial mental shifts you need to reclaim your race.
Join me as I reveal the hard truth about managing other people's emotions, why your struggle is actually what makes their support meaningful, and how to stay focused on what you can control when your brain is trying to sabotage you with guilt.
If you’re loving the show, please take a moment to follow, rate, and review wherever you listen to podcasts today!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
The mental trap that turns your race into an attempt to manage others' emotions.
Why you can't control other people's feelings (and why trying is actually selfish).
How to accept that you might disappoint people without letting it derail your race.
Why tough races give your crew and volunteers more purpose than easy ones.
The crucial difference between being considerate and avoiding your own race.
How to recognize and interrupt the guilt spiral before it makes you drop.
Why back-of-the-pack runners are often volunteers' favorite part of the race.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
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Full Episode Transcript:
You know what's harder than running a hundred miles? Spending hours convinced you're letting everyone down. Your crew, your pacer, the volunteers waiting for you in the cold. That guilt can eat you alive out there. It can consume your entire race. Today, we're talking about why it's lying to you and what you can do about it
Welcome to Unstoppable Ultra Runner, the podcast for ultra runners who refuse to let anything hold them back. I’m your host, Susan Donnelly, veteran of over 150 100-mile races, and a coach who helps runners like you break through mental roadblocks, push past doubt, and run with confidence. Let’s go.
Welcome to episode 27. In this episode, we're talking about something runners rarely admit to out loud: the fear of disappointing others in their race. This isn't about physical toughness or pacing strategy. This is a mental trap that catches even experienced runners off guard, one that turns what should be your race into a desperate attempt to manage other people's emotions.
Picture this. You're out on the course, many hours into it, and things aren't going as planned. Maybe you're having a rough day that's put you way behind your goal pace. Maybe you're uncomfortably close to cutoff. Maybe you're even dead last, with no other runners in sight. I get it.
This isn't the race you trained for. This isn't what you visualized. You're exhausted, you're hurting, you're frustrated with how everything is unfolding, but instead of focusing on the immediate problems in front of you, like how to move faster, increase your cushion on cutoff, or deal with that blister forming on your heel, your mind goes somewhere else entirely. You start thinking about everyone else.
Your crew standing around at the next aid station checking their watches, the volunteers who are stuck out here longer, giving up more of their weekend because you're so slow, your pacer who drove all this way and now might not even get to run a single step if you drop. And just like that, you're consumed with guilt.
The thoughts running through your head probably sound something like, I'm making my crew worry. The volunteers are stuck out here because of me. My pacers wasted their whole weekend on this. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment. The overwhelming feeling is that you're letting everyone down.
Here's what happens next. You want so badly for these people not to be disappointed in you that the need to manage that takes over completely. You can't get it out of your head. In between aid stations, you can spend hours marinating in this shame with no way to do anything about it other than rehearse apologies, imagine their disappointed faces, and play out worst-case scenarios of what they're thinking about you.
And by the time you finally reach that aid station, you're so desperate to make it right that the first thing out of your mouth is an apology.
But often, an apology isn't enough to quiet the guilt. For a lot of runners, the guilt becomes so overwhelming that in the moment, they only see one solution: drop out of the race. The guilt alone might be enough to make you quit, or it might be the final straw on top of the exhaustion and the discomfort and the continually, frustratingly slowing pace that just pushes you over the edge.
But either way, dropping feels in that moment like the right thing to do. You're putting everyone out of their misery, right? You're stopping the inconvenience, taking control of a situation that feels out of control, making everything better.
But here's the problem. The moment you start worrying about disappointing others, it stops being your race. Without realizing it, you've abandoned your own goal and replaced it with managing other people's feelings. Your focus shifts entirely.
Instead of focusing on what you actually control - your hydration, that hotspot on your heel, your pace, grabbing the headlamp you need from your drop bag - you fixate on something you actually have zero control over: what people think and feel about you.
Here's the devastating irony, and this is really important. Dropping out doesn't solve that problem. It creates the very disappointment that you're trying to prevent.
Think about it. Your crew and pacers are out there specifically to support you. Yes, maybe they're concerned when you're slower than planned, but they're still rooting for you. They still want you to push through and finish. The volunteers signed up to be here for the entire race. They knew it was likely that they'd be out here the whole time, so they're not disappointed that you're slow or struggling. They want to help you finish too.
What actually disappoints these people is when you give up. When after all their effort, all their time, and all their support, you drop out not because you physically have to, because you couldn't get it out of your own head. That's the real letdown. And if they know that your worry about them caused you to drop, now they feel guilty, which is exactly what you were trying to prevent.
And here's something else. A tough race where you fight through problems, that's often the most inspiring thing they'll see. Crew members say that watching their runner truly fight for their race is the most meaningful part of the entire experience.
So what's actually happening here? The real problem isn't that you're slow or that you're inconveniencing people. The real problem is believing you need to manage other people's feelings and that somehow you can.
So how do you fix this? I'm going to give you two ways to approach this. First, you’ve just got to accept that you might disappoint people, period. No matter what you do or how your race goes. It's unavoidable in ultra running and in life.
And listen, I'm not talking about being intentionally mean or thoughtless. I'm talking about the natural, unavoidable reality that you cannot please everyone all the time. You can't spend your time ultra running or your life trying to avoid disappointing people. It just doesn't work. If that's your goal, you'll never accomplish what you're capable of in ultra running or in life.
And now, here's the second approach, and this one goes deeper. This approach is to question how you think about disappointing others in a race.
Here's the hard truth I really want you to hear because it can free you and them. You cannot manage other people's feelings. You can't make them feel one thing or another, any more than they can reach into your mind and control what you feel. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, including dropping, you don't have the power to control what they think and feel.
And thinking you need to control their feelings? That's exactly what's selfish. It assumes that what you want them to feel is more important than what they actually feel. It's like you saying you know better than they do what's right for them.
I know that might sound harsh, but it's also freeing for both of you. You're not responsible for their emotions. You're only responsible for your emotions and your race, and they don't have to manage their feelings to make you comfortable. They're free to feel however they actually feel.
I really want you to hear this clearly. This is your race, not theirs. Even if someone is there to pace you, even if you have a full crew, this is literally about you. You're allowed to have this race. You're allowed to have center stage. Whether you're fast or slow, first place or last, it's still your race.
And let's talk about being last for a second because I know if you're in that situation, that's where some of your guilt is coming from.
Being last means that you're getting the full race experience. You're pushing your limits in a way that fast runners don't. There's something really, truly profound about being out there longer and refusing to quit when quitting would be so super easy. So don't apologize for that. Own it. Be the inspiring example that makes the volunteers' day worthwhile.
You're why everyone is here in the first place. They've given you the gift of their support. So instead of feeling guilty and rejecting that gift, accept it. Use it. Make the most of it. This might feel uncomfortable, and that's okay, but they gave you something valuable. Honor it by using it.
And here's another crucial shift. Your crew and pacers might be disappointed if things don't go as planned. That might happen, and that's okay. Trust them to handle it. If you're late to an aid station, they'll figure it out. That's what crews do. If you're going slower than expected, they're there to support you in having the best race you can, whatever that looks like today.
And here's what you might not realize. Your crew gets to be part of something meaningful because things are hard. Easy races are boring to crew. Crews don't have much purpose in an easy race. When you're struggling and pushing through, that's when they get to do what they actually came to do, to help, to problem solve, and to make a real difference. You're not creating a burden. You're giving them a purpose.
And those volunteers? They committed to being out there for the full race. You're not making them stay later than they agreed to. If they're unhappy about being out there for the entire event, that's about their expectations, not about you.
And here's something else. Volunteers often say the back-of-the-pack runners are their favorite part of the race. If you've ever watched the finish line at an ultra, you know what I'm talking about.
You're not rushing through, so you're more likely to connect with them and spend an extra moment with them. And you're more likely to express genuine gratitude. You remind them why they volunteer in the first place. And you're more likely to be inspiring to them. You're not an inconvenience. You're often the highlight of their day, the story they share with others after the weekend is over.
Your crew, your pacers, most volunteers, the people that you're worried about disappointing, they want you to have the best race possible, whatever that turns out to be. Your best shot at not disappointing them isn't to drop out. It's to focus on your race and make the best of whatever is happening, no matter how slow or off-plan you might be. So fight for your race. Solve problems. Stay present. That's what they want to see. That makes their effort worthwhile. Not your speed or your pacing, your fight.
And here's one last thing. We often think of mental toughness in ultra running as this stereotype, that it's just about gritting through the physical lows to reach the finish line. But this? Managing the guilt of disappointing others? This is just as much a part of mental strength, and it can make or break your race. This can be a race-ending distraction. It can sabotage an otherwise salvageable race.
And the most harmful part of this guilt? It makes dropping feel like the right thing to do in the moment. It makes it feel like you're being considerate if you drop. But you're actually just avoiding your own race. And in doing that, you're not valuing their support.
The next time you find yourself spiraling into guilt about keeping volunteers out there late or disappointing your crew or your pacer, catch yourself. Recognize what's happening and remind yourself that you can't control their feelings, and you don't need to try.
This is something that mentally strong runners do. Let go of the need to control others. Every single time you feel it creeping in, consciously let that go. It may feel uncomfortable at first, and it may seem hard to stop caring about what others think, but you're not stopping caring. You're trusting them to handle their own emotions while you handle yours.
Do this and you stay focused on what you're doing despite your brain trying to sabotage you with guilt. Do this and you turn a difficult race into a successful one, regardless of your time and place. And that's a win for everyone.
Because real mental strength isn't about controlling everything. It's also about knowing what to let go of. And the moment you stop trying to control what you never could, you become free to focus on what you actually can: your race, your fight, and your finish.
All right, you all. That's this week's episode. If you know someone who could use this, share it with them. It might be exactly what they need to hear. See you all next week. Bye.
Thanks for listening to Unstoppable Ultra Runner. If you want more ultra talk, mindset tools, and strategies for running with confidence, visit www.susanidonnelly.com. This podcast receives production support from the team at Digital Freedom Productions. That’s it for today’s episode. See you next week.
Welcome to Unstoppable Ultra Runner, the podcast for ultra runners who refuse to let anything hold them back. I’m your host, Susan Donnelly, veteran of over 150 100-mile races, and a coach who helps runners like you break through mental roadblocks, push past doubt, and run with confidence. Let’s go.
Welcome to episode 27. In this episode, we're talking about something runners rarely admit to out loud: the fear of disappointing others in their race. This isn't about physical toughness or pacing strategy. This is a mental trap that catches even experienced runners off guard, one that turns what should be your race into a desperate attempt to manage other people's emotions.
Picture this. You're out on the course, many hours into it, and things aren't going as planned. Maybe you're having a rough day that's put you way behind your goal pace. Maybe you're uncomfortably close to cutoff. Maybe you're even dead last, with no other runners in sight. I get it.
This isn't the race you trained for. This isn't what you visualized. You're exhausted, you're hurting, you're frustrated with how everything is unfolding, but instead of focusing on the immediate problems in front of you, like how to move faster, increase your cushion on cutoff, or deal with that blister forming on your heel, your mind goes somewhere else entirely. You start thinking about everyone else.
Your crew standing around at the next aid station checking their watches, the volunteers who are stuck out here longer, giving up more of their weekend because you're so slow, your pacer who drove all this way and now might not even get to run a single step if you drop. And just like that, you're consumed with guilt.
The thoughts running through your head probably sound something like, I'm making my crew worry. The volunteers are stuck out here because of me. My pacers wasted their whole weekend on this. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment. The overwhelming feeling is that you're letting everyone down.
Here's what happens next. You want so badly for these people not to be disappointed in you that the need to manage that takes over completely. You can't get it out of your head. In between aid stations, you can spend hours marinating in this shame with no way to do anything about it other than rehearse apologies, imagine their disappointed faces, and play out worst-case scenarios of what they're thinking about you.
And by the time you finally reach that aid station, you're so desperate to make it right that the first thing out of your mouth is an apology.
But often, an apology isn't enough to quiet the guilt. For a lot of runners, the guilt becomes so overwhelming that in the moment, they only see one solution: drop out of the race. The guilt alone might be enough to make you quit, or it might be the final straw on top of the exhaustion and the discomfort and the continually, frustratingly slowing pace that just pushes you over the edge.
But either way, dropping feels in that moment like the right thing to do. You're putting everyone out of their misery, right? You're stopping the inconvenience, taking control of a situation that feels out of control, making everything better.
But here's the problem. The moment you start worrying about disappointing others, it stops being your race. Without realizing it, you've abandoned your own goal and replaced it with managing other people's feelings. Your focus shifts entirely.
Instead of focusing on what you actually control - your hydration, that hotspot on your heel, your pace, grabbing the headlamp you need from your drop bag - you fixate on something you actually have zero control over: what people think and feel about you.
Here's the devastating irony, and this is really important. Dropping out doesn't solve that problem. It creates the very disappointment that you're trying to prevent.
Think about it. Your crew and pacers are out there specifically to support you. Yes, maybe they're concerned when you're slower than planned, but they're still rooting for you. They still want you to push through and finish. The volunteers signed up to be here for the entire race. They knew it was likely that they'd be out here the whole time, so they're not disappointed that you're slow or struggling. They want to help you finish too.
What actually disappoints these people is when you give up. When after all their effort, all their time, and all their support, you drop out not because you physically have to, because you couldn't get it out of your own head. That's the real letdown. And if they know that your worry about them caused you to drop, now they feel guilty, which is exactly what you were trying to prevent.
And here's something else. A tough race where you fight through problems, that's often the most inspiring thing they'll see. Crew members say that watching their runner truly fight for their race is the most meaningful part of the entire experience.
So what's actually happening here? The real problem isn't that you're slow or that you're inconveniencing people. The real problem is believing you need to manage other people's feelings and that somehow you can.
So how do you fix this? I'm going to give you two ways to approach this. First, you’ve just got to accept that you might disappoint people, period. No matter what you do or how your race goes. It's unavoidable in ultra running and in life.
And listen, I'm not talking about being intentionally mean or thoughtless. I'm talking about the natural, unavoidable reality that you cannot please everyone all the time. You can't spend your time ultra running or your life trying to avoid disappointing people. It just doesn't work. If that's your goal, you'll never accomplish what you're capable of in ultra running or in life.
And now, here's the second approach, and this one goes deeper. This approach is to question how you think about disappointing others in a race.
Here's the hard truth I really want you to hear because it can free you and them. You cannot manage other people's feelings. You can't make them feel one thing or another, any more than they can reach into your mind and control what you feel. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, including dropping, you don't have the power to control what they think and feel.
And thinking you need to control their feelings? That's exactly what's selfish. It assumes that what you want them to feel is more important than what they actually feel. It's like you saying you know better than they do what's right for them.
I know that might sound harsh, but it's also freeing for both of you. You're not responsible for their emotions. You're only responsible for your emotions and your race, and they don't have to manage their feelings to make you comfortable. They're free to feel however they actually feel.
I really want you to hear this clearly. This is your race, not theirs. Even if someone is there to pace you, even if you have a full crew, this is literally about you. You're allowed to have this race. You're allowed to have center stage. Whether you're fast or slow, first place or last, it's still your race.
And let's talk about being last for a second because I know if you're in that situation, that's where some of your guilt is coming from.
Being last means that you're getting the full race experience. You're pushing your limits in a way that fast runners don't. There's something really, truly profound about being out there longer and refusing to quit when quitting would be so super easy. So don't apologize for that. Own it. Be the inspiring example that makes the volunteers' day worthwhile.
You're why everyone is here in the first place. They've given you the gift of their support. So instead of feeling guilty and rejecting that gift, accept it. Use it. Make the most of it. This might feel uncomfortable, and that's okay, but they gave you something valuable. Honor it by using it.
And here's another crucial shift. Your crew and pacers might be disappointed if things don't go as planned. That might happen, and that's okay. Trust them to handle it. If you're late to an aid station, they'll figure it out. That's what crews do. If you're going slower than expected, they're there to support you in having the best race you can, whatever that looks like today.
And here's what you might not realize. Your crew gets to be part of something meaningful because things are hard. Easy races are boring to crew. Crews don't have much purpose in an easy race. When you're struggling and pushing through, that's when they get to do what they actually came to do, to help, to problem solve, and to make a real difference. You're not creating a burden. You're giving them a purpose.
And those volunteers? They committed to being out there for the full race. You're not making them stay later than they agreed to. If they're unhappy about being out there for the entire event, that's about their expectations, not about you.
And here's something else. Volunteers often say the back-of-the-pack runners are their favorite part of the race. If you've ever watched the finish line at an ultra, you know what I'm talking about.
You're not rushing through, so you're more likely to connect with them and spend an extra moment with them. And you're more likely to express genuine gratitude. You remind them why they volunteer in the first place. And you're more likely to be inspiring to them. You're not an inconvenience. You're often the highlight of their day, the story they share with others after the weekend is over.
Your crew, your pacers, most volunteers, the people that you're worried about disappointing, they want you to have the best race possible, whatever that turns out to be. Your best shot at not disappointing them isn't to drop out. It's to focus on your race and make the best of whatever is happening, no matter how slow or off-plan you might be. So fight for your race. Solve problems. Stay present. That's what they want to see. That makes their effort worthwhile. Not your speed or your pacing, your fight.
And here's one last thing. We often think of mental toughness in ultra running as this stereotype, that it's just about gritting through the physical lows to reach the finish line. But this? Managing the guilt of disappointing others? This is just as much a part of mental strength, and it can make or break your race. This can be a race-ending distraction. It can sabotage an otherwise salvageable race.
And the most harmful part of this guilt? It makes dropping feel like the right thing to do in the moment. It makes it feel like you're being considerate if you drop. But you're actually just avoiding your own race. And in doing that, you're not valuing their support.
The next time you find yourself spiraling into guilt about keeping volunteers out there late or disappointing your crew or your pacer, catch yourself. Recognize what's happening and remind yourself that you can't control their feelings, and you don't need to try.
This is something that mentally strong runners do. Let go of the need to control others. Every single time you feel it creeping in, consciously let that go. It may feel uncomfortable at first, and it may seem hard to stop caring about what others think, but you're not stopping caring. You're trusting them to handle their own emotions while you handle yours.
Do this and you stay focused on what you're doing despite your brain trying to sabotage you with guilt. Do this and you turn a difficult race into a successful one, regardless of your time and place. And that's a win for everyone.
Because real mental strength isn't about controlling everything. It's also about knowing what to let go of. And the moment you stop trying to control what you never could, you become free to focus on what you actually can: your race, your fight, and your finish.
All right, you all. That's this week's episode. If you know someone who could use this, share it with them. It might be exactly what they need to hear. See you all next week. Bye.
Thanks for listening to Unstoppable Ultra Runner. If you want more ultra talk, mindset tools, and strategies for running with confidence, visit www.susanidonnelly.com. This podcast receives production support from the team at Digital Freedom Productions. That’s it for today’s episode. See you next week.
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