65. Why Finishing Your Race Isn't Selfish (Even When You're Last)
Have you ever considered dropping out of a race because you felt guilty for making everyone wait on you? You realize you're the last runner on the course, the aid station is packing up, and you don't want to keep the volunteers waiting any longer, especially when they've already given up their weekend to help. It can feel selfish to keep going. But what if the opposite is true? What if finishing your race is actually the most selfless thing you can do?
In this episode, I unpack one of the most common and powerful mindset traps ultra runners face: believing you're inconveniencing volunteers, your crew, or the race director by staying in the race. I explain why those thoughts feel so convincing, how guilt and the discomfort of receiving help influence your decisions, and why dropping out to make yourself feel better isn't serving anyone the way you think it is.
You'll discover what volunteers, crew members, and race directors really feel about you staying in the race, why the runners fighting to make the cutoff are often the most inspiring people on the course, and how changing the way you think about receiving help can transform your race experience. If you've ever worried about being the last runner or felt guilty for chasing your goal, this episode will give you a completely different perspective.
My 1:1 Mental Mastery Coaching for Ultrarunners is a six-month coaching program where we build the mental skills experienced ultrarunners use to handle difficult races well. Schedule a consult call to learn more here.
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why feeling guilty about holding people up can lead to unnecessary DNFs.
Why dropping out may feel like the right decision at the time, and what you're not seeing in those moments.
Why volunteers, crew, and race directors want you to keep going.
How receiving help can feel uncomfortable and influence your race decisions.
Why the runners battling at the back of the pack are often the most inspiring.
How finishing your race benefits the people supporting you, too.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
In the middle of a race, it suddenly hits you how selfish this whole thing is. Making everyone wait on you like this? You should stop right now. But what if the most selfless thing you could do out there is finish?
Welcome to Unstoppable Ultra Runner, the podcast for ultra runners who refuse to let anything hold them back. I’m your host, Susan Donnelly, veteran of over 150 100-mile races, and a coach who helps runners like you break through mental roadblocks, push past doubt, and run with confidence. Let’s go.
Welcome to episode 65. Today, we are talking about a stubborn thought that ruins a lot of races. It robs you of finishes, of running the race you could, and it can definitely rob you of enjoying the race. In the moment, it seems like such a legit thing to be thinking, like you got your priorities mixed up and you need to straighten them out right now. And it's this: thinking, “I'm making other people wait on me and it's selfish.”
This thought typically pops up in your head right about the time you start slowing down and struggling a bit. Like when you realize that you haven't seen another runner for a while now. You're right at cutoff, so obviously the last person. Or you come into an aid station and they're packing up, or someone helpfully tells you that you're last. You think, "I'm making other people wait on me and that's selfish. This feels awful. It's selfish to make others wait on me. It's rude, and that's not me. I don't like treating other people that way.”
So, when that's going through your head, you drop out of the race and you do feel better for a moment. Disappointed, but better for a moment because, you tell yourself, it was clearly the right decision. But then later, it bothers you, especially if you do it again and it starts to become a pattern. You start feeling self-conscious about going to races, like you're placing a burden on the race. So you decide you need to get faster, or you need to enter easier races. But you've tried getting faster, and you don't want to settle for easy races. You want to go for bigger things. So that doesn't feel like an exciting solution. You end up feeling stuck. You just want to finish races, but right now, it doesn't feel like you have a chance.
So what's going on here? Go back to that moment when you're thinking that you're inconveniencing people and you feel that deep ugh in your body. Two things combine to make it feel like you should drop right this second. The first is that you're trying to avoid the discomfort of inconveniencing others. That discomfort is more excruciating than the discomfort of throwing away your race because there's more social cost tied to it, especially for women.
We're programmed to do exactly this: to throw away our own goals if it negatively affects anybody else, to take care of everyone else and their feelings before we even allow ourselves to think about taking care of our own goals. This societal shame and guilt storm is one of the most powerful unwanted emotions that we can feel as humans. It's worse than the disappointment of dropping out of your own race because it involves not just how you feel, but how you think others feel.
And the second thing that's going on in this moment that you're thinking is, that adds to it, is that you're also trying to avoid the discomfort of receiving. Believe me, I get this one. It's uncomfortable as humans to receive and then feel indebted. Sounds crazy, but this has actually been studied. Psychologists call it indebtedness, and it's a real emotional response to receiving help. We would much rather give to others and have our “account in our heads” on the positive side, so we don't owe anyone. So we're not indebted to anyone.
And those two strong layers of discomfort, inconveniencing others and receiving help from them at the same time, combine into this incredibly powerful, urgent feeling that's hard to resist in a race. That's why we're willing to do whatever we need to make it all stop right now so we can feel better. And did you catch what I just said? So we can feel better. At the end of the day, this isn't about other people at all. It's about making us feel better. It's about us feeling less societal shame, which ironically, get this, is actually what's selfish. It's all about how we feel.
The problem here is that these feelings are so intensely negative that we react selfishly without actually examining the thinking behind why we're reacting the way we are, or whether it accomplishes what we think it does. I've been a race director, I've been a volunteer, and I have been crew. I've been all the people you're worried about holding up, and I can tell you this: thinking that you're inconveniencing others and that you should stop right now doesn't accomplish what you think it does.
You waste your race for nothing. Reacting to those feelings of shame and indebtedness doesn't serve others or you. In fact, it actually harms everyone's experience. You're not thinking about it clearly. You're just reacting without realizing it to deeply ingrained societal conditioning. The problem starts in how you're thinking about it and what's going on in your head.
So let's look at whether that thought in your head is even true, because when you actually slow down and examine it, almost none of what you believe in that moment holds up. Let's start with some basic facts about races and the people you're worried about.
First of all, you didn't sign up for this race to take care of everyone else. That wasn't what excited you about the race. That job, taking care of everyone else, also wasn't listed in the insurance disclaimer that you signed in order to enter the race. You signed up for this race to run it the way you wanted to. So don't get off script.
You're trying also to be responsible for others while, at the same time, you're trying to race your best. Those are two competing priorities and you can't do either one of them well at the same time. You need to pick one. And think about this: crew and volunteers chose to help. They're adults. They made that decision. That's why they volunteer. They volunteered to help.
And when they volunteered, they expected and planned to be there for the time that they committed to. For volunteers and the race director, that means they committed to be there through cutoff and after. So it's impossible to be holding them up. And it's legit to be on the course until you get pulled.
If you preemptively drop, you also usurp the volunteer's power to pull you. That's their job, not yours to self-pull and decide, make that decision on your own. That's for them to decide, not you. You're taking away their job. So respect their role, let them do their job, and you do yours, which is running the race. You've got enough to focus on in the race without adding to it and without trying to do their job, too.
And here's another point: you don't control how anyone feels about you anyway. They could be volunteering or crewing in the absolute pouring cold rain, and you dropping doesn't make their feelings worse or better. No matter what you do, it's their choice to decide whether that's a fun, epic adventure that they can post on social media or an absolutely miserable experience. It's all from their perspective. So on a basic level, you got to let others make their own choices and take care of themselves.
And if you really care about their energy and time, here's what's actually true. The classic worry that I hear is that your crew gave up their weekend to help you, and now you're running slower than planned, you're worrying them, and you should just drop to relieve them. But they and the volunteers and the RD all chose on their own to give their time to help you and maybe other runners achieve your goal. It feels good for them to help you.
Think of their time and their presence at that race as a wrapped gift that they're handing to you. It's selfish to turn down, to refuse the gift that they're giving you. Think about it from their perspective. They agreed to be part of this project, and they're invested in its success. They want you to succeed and not drop. Helping you achieve a huge goal feels fantastic to them. They get the sense of achievement, too. So you dropping just to not hold them up robs both you and them of that feeling.
And here's another way to look at it: they also agreed to be there until cutoff, not until you decide you can't stand the thought of holding them up. They're not standing around impatiently tapping a foot, hoping you drop. They're standing around hoping like crazy that everyone makes cutoff.
The last thing an RD or volunteers want to see is people drop. Believe me, they want more than anything for everyone to have a great day and finish. You putting in a full effort without hesitation or worry makes their effort worthwhile. Think about this: if everybody started dropping out because they worried about holding volunteers up, then eventually there'd be no one to even volunteer for. There'd be nobody left in the race, and all that food they made and all the effort to set up the aid station just so would be a waste. It's almost like you dropping for them means it wasn't worth them coming to help. You staying in the race makes their effort worthwhile.
And my last and favorite point is this: the runners at the very end who defy all the pressure and fight for their race are the most inspiring. You are the most inspiring of everyone. We are in awe of you. We learn from you, we get energy from you. You get us fired up and make us want to sign up for a race this very instant. You give us a high that lasts us the whole weekend and into the week. You're the story we tell everyone at work on Monday. You're the one that makes us rethink our own self-imposed limits and ask, "What more could be possible?" We start wondering, what could we do if we were like you? Do not deprive us of this.
And here's what I want you to take into your next race with you. When you find yourself last, remember this: the volunteers, crew, and even the RD want more than anything for you to keep going, even if you're just one minute ahead of cutoff. They committed to be there to help you through this race all the way to the end. You're not holding them up. They're rooting for you. You are their team. The best thing you can actually do for them is keep going, even when finishing seems grim.
And they're especially rooting for the runners who are struggling and slow and fighting for their race. They know how that feels. Like the audience in a movie theater rooting for the heroine in the movie who's down and has the odds ridiculously stacked against her, they badly want that moment of triumph for you.
Like I said, I've been an RD, I've been a volunteer, and I've been crew, and this is true. When I volunteered at No Business 100 last year and my time at the aid station was done, I and the other volunteers went to the finish to watch runners finish. And because of my time at the aid stations, I knew the runners now.
Like the guy in the crazy shirt, the older runner who doggedly kept plugging away at it, the runner who fixed his blisters at our aid station, my clients executing their plans, the runner who looked a little bit out of it but knew what he wanted from the aid station table. I knew their stories and it was so exciting to spot them coming around the corner toward the finish.
Seeing them achieve that happy ending to their story against all odds and knowing that I helped in a small way made my weekend a high, even though I wasn't the one crossing the finish line. The best thing you can do in the race is let those other people have the race experience they wanted, too. And that is watching you finish.
All right, you all. That's this week's episode. Thanks for listening. If you know someone who could use this, share it with them. It might be exactly what they need to hear. See you next week. Bye.
Thanks for listening to Unstoppable Ultra Runner. If you want more ultra talk, mindset tools, and strategies for running with confidence, visit www.susanidonnelly.com. This podcast receives production support from the team at Digital Freedom Productions. That’s it for today’s episode. See you next week.
Welcome to Unstoppable Ultra Runner, the podcast for ultra runners who refuse to let anything hold them back. I’m your host, Susan Donnelly, veteran of over 150 100-mile races, and a coach who helps runners like you break through mental roadblocks, push past doubt, and run with confidence. Let’s go.
Welcome to episode 65. Today, we are talking about a stubborn thought that ruins a lot of races. It robs you of finishes, of running the race you could, and it can definitely rob you of enjoying the race. In the moment, it seems like such a legit thing to be thinking, like you got your priorities mixed up and you need to straighten them out right now. And it's this: thinking, “I'm making other people wait on me and it's selfish.”
This thought typically pops up in your head right about the time you start slowing down and struggling a bit. Like when you realize that you haven't seen another runner for a while now. You're right at cutoff, so obviously the last person. Or you come into an aid station and they're packing up, or someone helpfully tells you that you're last. You think, "I'm making other people wait on me and that's selfish. This feels awful. It's selfish to make others wait on me. It's rude, and that's not me. I don't like treating other people that way.”
So, when that's going through your head, you drop out of the race and you do feel better for a moment. Disappointed, but better for a moment because, you tell yourself, it was clearly the right decision. But then later, it bothers you, especially if you do it again and it starts to become a pattern. You start feeling self-conscious about going to races, like you're placing a burden on the race. So you decide you need to get faster, or you need to enter easier races. But you've tried getting faster, and you don't want to settle for easy races. You want to go for bigger things. So that doesn't feel like an exciting solution. You end up feeling stuck. You just want to finish races, but right now, it doesn't feel like you have a chance.
So what's going on here? Go back to that moment when you're thinking that you're inconveniencing people and you feel that deep ugh in your body. Two things combine to make it feel like you should drop right this second. The first is that you're trying to avoid the discomfort of inconveniencing others. That discomfort is more excruciating than the discomfort of throwing away your race because there's more social cost tied to it, especially for women.
We're programmed to do exactly this: to throw away our own goals if it negatively affects anybody else, to take care of everyone else and their feelings before we even allow ourselves to think about taking care of our own goals. This societal shame and guilt storm is one of the most powerful unwanted emotions that we can feel as humans. It's worse than the disappointment of dropping out of your own race because it involves not just how you feel, but how you think others feel.
And the second thing that's going on in this moment that you're thinking is, that adds to it, is that you're also trying to avoid the discomfort of receiving. Believe me, I get this one. It's uncomfortable as humans to receive and then feel indebted. Sounds crazy, but this has actually been studied. Psychologists call it indebtedness, and it's a real emotional response to receiving help. We would much rather give to others and have our “account in our heads” on the positive side, so we don't owe anyone. So we're not indebted to anyone.
And those two strong layers of discomfort, inconveniencing others and receiving help from them at the same time, combine into this incredibly powerful, urgent feeling that's hard to resist in a race. That's why we're willing to do whatever we need to make it all stop right now so we can feel better. And did you catch what I just said? So we can feel better. At the end of the day, this isn't about other people at all. It's about making us feel better. It's about us feeling less societal shame, which ironically, get this, is actually what's selfish. It's all about how we feel.
The problem here is that these feelings are so intensely negative that we react selfishly without actually examining the thinking behind why we're reacting the way we are, or whether it accomplishes what we think it does. I've been a race director, I've been a volunteer, and I have been crew. I've been all the people you're worried about holding up, and I can tell you this: thinking that you're inconveniencing others and that you should stop right now doesn't accomplish what you think it does.
You waste your race for nothing. Reacting to those feelings of shame and indebtedness doesn't serve others or you. In fact, it actually harms everyone's experience. You're not thinking about it clearly. You're just reacting without realizing it to deeply ingrained societal conditioning. The problem starts in how you're thinking about it and what's going on in your head.
So let's look at whether that thought in your head is even true, because when you actually slow down and examine it, almost none of what you believe in that moment holds up. Let's start with some basic facts about races and the people you're worried about.
First of all, you didn't sign up for this race to take care of everyone else. That wasn't what excited you about the race. That job, taking care of everyone else, also wasn't listed in the insurance disclaimer that you signed in order to enter the race. You signed up for this race to run it the way you wanted to. So don't get off script.
You're trying also to be responsible for others while, at the same time, you're trying to race your best. Those are two competing priorities and you can't do either one of them well at the same time. You need to pick one. And think about this: crew and volunteers chose to help. They're adults. They made that decision. That's why they volunteer. They volunteered to help.
And when they volunteered, they expected and planned to be there for the time that they committed to. For volunteers and the race director, that means they committed to be there through cutoff and after. So it's impossible to be holding them up. And it's legit to be on the course until you get pulled.
If you preemptively drop, you also usurp the volunteer's power to pull you. That's their job, not yours to self-pull and decide, make that decision on your own. That's for them to decide, not you. You're taking away their job. So respect their role, let them do their job, and you do yours, which is running the race. You've got enough to focus on in the race without adding to it and without trying to do their job, too.
And here's another point: you don't control how anyone feels about you anyway. They could be volunteering or crewing in the absolute pouring cold rain, and you dropping doesn't make their feelings worse or better. No matter what you do, it's their choice to decide whether that's a fun, epic adventure that they can post on social media or an absolutely miserable experience. It's all from their perspective. So on a basic level, you got to let others make their own choices and take care of themselves.
And if you really care about their energy and time, here's what's actually true. The classic worry that I hear is that your crew gave up their weekend to help you, and now you're running slower than planned, you're worrying them, and you should just drop to relieve them. But they and the volunteers and the RD all chose on their own to give their time to help you and maybe other runners achieve your goal. It feels good for them to help you.
Think of their time and their presence at that race as a wrapped gift that they're handing to you. It's selfish to turn down, to refuse the gift that they're giving you. Think about it from their perspective. They agreed to be part of this project, and they're invested in its success. They want you to succeed and not drop. Helping you achieve a huge goal feels fantastic to them. They get the sense of achievement, too. So you dropping just to not hold them up robs both you and them of that feeling.
And here's another way to look at it: they also agreed to be there until cutoff, not until you decide you can't stand the thought of holding them up. They're not standing around impatiently tapping a foot, hoping you drop. They're standing around hoping like crazy that everyone makes cutoff.
The last thing an RD or volunteers want to see is people drop. Believe me, they want more than anything for everyone to have a great day and finish. You putting in a full effort without hesitation or worry makes their effort worthwhile. Think about this: if everybody started dropping out because they worried about holding volunteers up, then eventually there'd be no one to even volunteer for. There'd be nobody left in the race, and all that food they made and all the effort to set up the aid station just so would be a waste. It's almost like you dropping for them means it wasn't worth them coming to help. You staying in the race makes their effort worthwhile.
And my last and favorite point is this: the runners at the very end who defy all the pressure and fight for their race are the most inspiring. You are the most inspiring of everyone. We are in awe of you. We learn from you, we get energy from you. You get us fired up and make us want to sign up for a race this very instant. You give us a high that lasts us the whole weekend and into the week. You're the story we tell everyone at work on Monday. You're the one that makes us rethink our own self-imposed limits and ask, "What more could be possible?" We start wondering, what could we do if we were like you? Do not deprive us of this.
And here's what I want you to take into your next race with you. When you find yourself last, remember this: the volunteers, crew, and even the RD want more than anything for you to keep going, even if you're just one minute ahead of cutoff. They committed to be there to help you through this race all the way to the end. You're not holding them up. They're rooting for you. You are their team. The best thing you can actually do for them is keep going, even when finishing seems grim.
And they're especially rooting for the runners who are struggling and slow and fighting for their race. They know how that feels. Like the audience in a movie theater rooting for the heroine in the movie who's down and has the odds ridiculously stacked against her, they badly want that moment of triumph for you.
Like I said, I've been an RD, I've been a volunteer, and I've been crew, and this is true. When I volunteered at No Business 100 last year and my time at the aid station was done, I and the other volunteers went to the finish to watch runners finish. And because of my time at the aid stations, I knew the runners now.
Like the guy in the crazy shirt, the older runner who doggedly kept plugging away at it, the runner who fixed his blisters at our aid station, my clients executing their plans, the runner who looked a little bit out of it but knew what he wanted from the aid station table. I knew their stories and it was so exciting to spot them coming around the corner toward the finish.
Seeing them achieve that happy ending to their story against all odds and knowing that I helped in a small way made my weekend a high, even though I wasn't the one crossing the finish line. The best thing you can do in the race is let those other people have the race experience they wanted, too. And that is watching you finish.
All right, you all. That's this week's episode. Thanks for listening. If you know someone who could use this, share it with them. It might be exactly what they need to hear. See you next week. Bye.
Thanks for listening to Unstoppable Ultra Runner. If you want more ultra talk, mindset tools, and strategies for running with confidence, visit www.susanidonnelly.com. This podcast receives production support from the team at Digital Freedom Productions. That’s it for today’s episode. See you next week.
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